One Month Without You!

Hey Dad!

How can a month be gone already. Sometimes it feels like you have been gone for years and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, some days it doesn't seem real at all (I almost asked Mom how you were the other day). Some days I find myself wondering how my body can produce so many tears and other days I feel like a monster because the day goes by before I realize your death hasn't crossed my mind. 

I find myself sitting alone at home and I just burst out crying for no apparent reason, nothing triggers it, it just happens. I cry out to the Lord and ask why, and then the next breath I find myself praising him because you are no longer suffering and you are with him in Heaven, that brings a smile to my face.

Grief is a strange thing. I know you want me to be happy and to go on with my life and I am doing the best I can to do that. I go along doing my daily routine and then all of a sudden I hit a wall that makes me stop dead in my tracks. Its the weirdest thing ever. A simple memory will just make me stop what I am doing and sometimes I smile and sometimes I cry, but your memory makes me adjust what I am doing and just take a moment. 

The Build-A-Bear I made for you when I got back from Afghanistan now sits on my bedside table, I press its paw and listen to my voice say "I Love You Dad, You Truly Are My Hero". It brings a smile to my face as I know how important that stuffed animal was to you. I sometimes wish it was your voice in that bear, as that is the one thing I miss the most. Then I remember all the videos we have with you talking and the YouTube Video of you talking about the RCMP Museum, so when I want to I can watch one of those.

With Christmas just around the corner the TV is flooded with our favorite Hallmark Christmas Movies. I've been watching them like normal, only difference is you are not on the end of the phone "Shannon did you see the new Lacey Chabert one?", "Shannon check out the new Royalty one!" or "Dad did you see the new one last night, what did you think?" Most people don't understand our love of these corny movies, but it was our thing and that is all that matters.

I managed to put up the tree the other day, it is what you would have expected me to do. It was hard but its up, this weekend will be the Village and the Lawn Ornaments you and mom gave me last year (may as well do those while we don't have snow). I'm trying my hardest to move forward Dad, as Mom says I have to wrap my head around it and keep going. I am trying my best but some days are harder then others. The kids are coming for Christmas on the 23rd, so the 25th I will watch Anne of Green Gables (the first 2 as the 3rd one is dumb...lol), this is another tradition I refuse to let go of.

I will keep your memory alive Dad, I promise. I will continue to strive to move forward but I will pause when a memory crosses my mind. It may bring tears, but as time goes on those will turn into smiles. I love you Dad and will miss you forever. You were simply the BEST!